Not to be confused with Custer. Custard is fine, though.

Oh, Summer, Summer! The bell tolls for thee! And it makes my heart so heavy.

There aren’t enough Pumpkin Spice Lattes (which I personally think taste like melted Yankee candles) in the world to make me appreciate the coming of fall, the most overrated season on the planet. Oh, that’s right: I said what I said.

I’ve never understood the love people have for fall, or as I like to call it, the obvious precursor to winter that people are in denial about. I especially don’t understand why North Easterners love it so much, because it literally lasts two seconds here. One. And two. Poof.

“But Daniela, think about all the fun things to do: apple picking, corn mazes, pumpkin carving . . . !“ Alright, let’s go through these individually. So, apple picking: I have to pay to do manual labor, and my reward is bringing home five pounds of apples. What am I supposed to do with five pounds of apples, chuck them at squirrels? Keep them handy to pummel potential home intruders with? (Which, I could do, because apples seemingly never go bad, and it’s unnerving.)

And corn mazes? You think I want to spend my free time in an enclosed space that’s intentionally difficult to get out of, surrounded by foliage that cuts at me? Who do you think I am, Harry Potter in the Triwizard Tournament? No! Because if I were, I’d take my my $100 million net worth and private chopper my ass out of there, STAT.

Also, who legitimately enjoys pumpkin carving? I mean, truly? If I wanted to be elbows-deep in orange, slimy entrails, I’d . . . I don’t know what I’d do, but it would be something else.

“Well, fine; but the food, the drink! Hot apple cider! Cider donuts! Pumpkin pie! So much spice goodness!” Let me ask, can you eat pumpkin pie more than the one slice a year you have at Thanksgiving? I didn’t think so. If I want to spice up my life, I’ll go put on the the pleated plaid skirt and crop top set I probably have hidden somewhere in the back of my wardrobe, and prance around my living room in sky-high rainbow colored platforms to the sweet harmony of Baby, Ginger, Posh, Scary, and Sporty Spice until I fall and break my ankles; THAT’S how I’ll spice up my life.

“Ok. But the fashion? The colors?” Yes, I will concede to that. Fall fashion is wonderful. The pants, the jackets, the hats, the boots, all in so many rich jewel tones—just lovely. And all to distract from the ENDLESS, LIFE-DRAINING, DARKNESS-DRIVEN COLD THAT WILL DOMINATE OUR LIVES FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.

But sure, the fashion.