I'm a very fidgety person, prone to random and sudden movement that will catch you unaware. This makes the subway absolutely impossible. I mean, it's a miserable experience for everyone, especially as of late, but being in a jam-packed car and unable to to move my shoulders, arms, or legs, brings me to the verge of insanity. I just get . . . itchy. I don't know how to explain it. Like, if I don't move constantly, my chest will explode and a billion ants will come flying out and bite all of you.

Or spiders. Maybe spiders.

How cool would it be to be Spiderman, though? Man, I'd never have to take the subway AGAIN. I could just web-shoot and swing around everywhere. SO AMAZING. Plus I'd get to wear stretchy, moveable spandex all the time, which is so necessary. Because clothes that I can't move in? Nah. I can't. That's like the fabric equivalent of the MTA. I never know when a spontaneous high-kick may come on; I need to be ready.

Oh, you think I'm kidding? Fine. Go ahead and don't keep outside a safe, three-foot radius around me. See what happens.

J. Crew silk top and cotton-stretch pants; Zara oxfords and choker; H&M hairclip (used here as a brooch).