Well, it’s Friday, December 23rd. So I guess it’s time to go shopping and stuff.

1. Movie theater gift cards.

Y’all, going to the movies is so damn expensive, it’s unreal. Every time an intriguing film premieres, I think to myself, “Cool, look forward to catching that in a year or two or three, or whenever it makes its way onto the joint family Netflix, Amazon Prime, or HBOGo accounts.” How great would it be if you didn’t have to wait that long, and thus not have Interstellar ruined for you because two loud-mouthed girls in the gym locker room wouldn’t shut up about how Matthew McConaughey goes back in time and discovers he is his own ghost?

Also, if you haven’t seen Interstellar yet, I sincerely apologize for what just happened.

BUT YOU SEE?

2. A book about how to make cocktails.

Listen, anyone can go to Trader Joes, buy a flourless chocolate cake, take it out of the packaging, and place it on their own dinnerware so as to give the impression of the pastry being homemade, but you can’t do that with an Old Fashioned, now can you? Or a Manhattan, or a Gin Fizz, or a Mojito, or whatever other cocktail that requires effort. Not only are you gifting your loved one with a new set of skills, but you are also giving them the ability to be the most popular person at a party, so long as the alcohol is in stock. After that, it’s up to their personal charm and wit. If they have none, I am very sorry—but if they were a successful bartender, all the partygoers will be drunk by that point, and thus charm and wit will become irrelevant. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

3. A pasta maker.

Ok, fine, homemade pasta is bomb, too.

4. Clean their apartment while you send them to get a facial.

A gift for both of you, in which they get to relax and have their life tidied, while you get to snoop through their naughty drawer. Don’t forget your hand sanitizer.

5. A box full of pictures of their favorite things, decorated with a lid of Julie Andrews saying, “These are a few of my favorite things.”

And then put pictures of their favorite things in it. You know, like, Paris, Starry Night, a bouquet of flowers, a macaron, their favorite perfume, that one spot on Delancey where they found a $100 bill, the earring they found in the back of their couch after it went missing for a year, that white t-shirt where you can only very barely make out the ghost of a red wine stain you victoriously helped them get out, that dude with the name whose drunk selfie you discovered on your phone, your hairy toes that they like to make fun of, etc.

Or go out and buy their actual favorite things, if you want to get ambitious about it.

6. A puppy.

Because we all want one.

7. A small horse disguised as a unicorn.

Because we all want one of those, too.

8. A rabbit wearing a bow tie, a monocle, and a top hat.

Same as above. Or maybe that’s just me.

9. Chocolate? Candy? Cake? Cookies? Cupcakes? Ice cream? Teddy Bears? Babies? A cat? A flying squirrel?

Man, I don’t know your life, I’m trying here.

10. A hug.

Because 2016 sucks!

And that about wraps it up. My apologies if I misled you to think this was actually going to be helpful.