Red, red wine, stay far from me.

You know what’s terrifying? Wearing white. I mean, it looks pretty and all, but if I’m ever wearing a white top, or white skirt, or pants, or dress, or something, the only thought that goes through my brain is, “This will end in tears.”

Well, not tears exactly. Maybe more like a string of expletives.

Because YOU KNOW something’s gonna end up on it. It might be wine, or ketchup, or marinara sauce, or your period, or some other kind of blood—because I don’t know your life—but whatever evil high-stain potential thing it is, it will find a way to murder your fibers.

And then the outfit is basically done for. Do you know how hard it is to get stains out of white clothing? That shit will never look the same, I don’t care how much OxiClean you dump on it. Even if you never, ever, ever get stains on it—if you lock yourself in a closet on the days you wear white, because that seems more worth it to you than just not wearing it—the fabric will still become yellow and dingy on its own.

But no worries, tomorrow is the first day of autumn, and we were supposed to stop wearing white a few weeks ago. I used to think the “no white after Labor Day” rule was incredibly stupid, until I started to think about the kinds of rich, decadent, highly pigmented foods that are associated with the fall and winter months. The history behind the rule is associated with BEAUCOUP snobbery, BUT, maybe the hoity-toity women who pulled it out of gold dust-filled air were onto something.

Or maybe they were just tight-ass beetches, which is most likely, but still. Is it really worth the trouble? I think not. I personally take heart in the fact that I can wear an all-black outfit, be uncoordinated enough to flip an entire meal onto my lap, and have no one be the wiser.

If you think I’m not capable of that, try me. It’s already happened. I am not proud.

I’m a little proud, most people aren't uncoordinated enough to do that.

Zara boots and silver collar; Vintage mother of pearl collar; Vintage wooden bracelets; Goodwill jumpsuit